VolleyWood

Game Recaps:

The Chug Monkeys finished 2nd in both matches.

The poor performance may have been due to Chug Monkey Dan still recovering from a big weekend, or it may have been due to the lack of pre-game warm ups, or it may have been due to the fact that you all suck monkey pole! I hereby strip each and everyone of you of your Chug Monkey title until you get some coaching. Never again on my beach losers!

Season Record:

5 Wins 7 Loses


This weeks Official Chug Monkey:

Great Ape

Other Events:

To drown ours sorrows after this weeks match, the first Official Chug Monkey Beer and Pizza Night was staged. 10 people were invited, 4 survived. Chug Monkey Dan took the opportunity to teach his waste of space teammates some of the Chug Monkey Arts. You won’t find these in any ordinary coaching manual (see photos).


Another Initiative:

After previously discussing the ‘Hug Monkey Initiative’, this week I present to you the ‘Sponsor a Chug Monkey Initiative’ (see photo). Did you know one keg will sustain Chug Monkey Dan for an entire evening? Its contents also go a long way to helping Chug Monkey Dan tolerate his useless teammates in social settings and achieve a brighter and more peaceful future for all Chug Monkeys world wide.


Up Coming Events:

In coming weeks the Chug Monkey’s will be embarking on their first of hopefully many theme weeks. The first one to be “Retro Week”, so stock up on wrist and head sweat bands, afro wigs and anything else that you think fits the theme. Also a gentle reminder that it was Chug Monkey Dan’s idea, so when his loser friends are passing the idea off as their own and you say “cool/good idea”, just remember who you should be saying that to. You people are parasites! More information to come soon. Streaker week to follow shortly after.

Inside the Chug monkeys:

After crushing defeats on court this week, Chug Monkey Dan thought he would get to the root of the problem. Unfortunately though his was unable to interview the entire team at once. So instead Richard, aka “Chug Monkey Big Mac” took a seat in the interrogation chair.

Dan: Now for those readers who haven’t met Richard, let me give you all a brief introduction…flawless, skillful, natural ability…Richard possesses none of these traits yet I still let him on my volleyball team.

CM Big Mac: So it’s your team now is it?

Dan: Well until someone comes up with a better blog. And for everyone’s sake Leanne please don’t try! Anyway back to the night of the team’s first win, it was only your second week, so I’ll excuse you for bringing your surfboard. But tell us what words of encouragement did you receive from your teammates?

CM Big Mac: Trent told me to “have fun”, Leanne said “to relax and enjoy myself” and you told me to “just to play my natural game, unless that involves losing, in which case I should f*ck right off!”

Dan: Well the moral of the story is that we won, even though we lost Dirk because I used him as collateral when I bet on the opposition.

CM Big Mac: Have you no shame?!

Dan: Judging by my extra snug lime green budgie smugglers last week, hell no! (Dan flips pages of Ralph magazine) I was thinking fiery pink this week, but I’ll need a second opinion, wait here…

(Richard throws up, then leaves)

Dan: Huh, well I guess he was always shy in High School.

(5 hours later)

Dan: DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM!


Remember readers practice makes perfect but the opposite appears to make you a Chug Monkey.

You Suck!

Love Chug Monkey Dan

Hey Hey We're the Chug Monkeys

*** Welcome to this weeks post - Now entirely Poetry free***

This weeks Official Chug Monkey: Donkey Kong Jnr

Game recap:


Game 1:

The Chug Monkeys took to the court with 3 new players and sadly lost narrowly.

Pointing the blame:

This week Gemma was forced to skip town due to pending sexual harassment charges from all male Chug Monkey team mates except Dan. Leanne also deserted her faithful Chug Monkeyers for a national PDA conference in Melbourne (Although she was later thrown out for partaking in unscheduled sneezing).

So at long last Katherine (pictured training hard with Trent) and Emma were able to make their Chug Monkey debuts, which featured a stunning tribute to mediocrity. Never again on my beach the both of you! Matt also made his debut hoping to benefit from a week under Chug Monkey Dan’s wing. Sadly 7 days spent on bean bags watching Scrubs and Curb Your Enthusiasm dvds and being forced to memorize the blog off by heart somehow didn’t translate into volleyball success.

The failure of Trent’s apparent Jedi Mind tricks on the opposition was also cause for concern.

Game 2:

History tells us that there was once great slaughter on the beaches of Galipoli, then again some 30 years later on the sands of Normandy. But both of these combined were nothing compared to the carnage that took place on the beaches of Camden Park during the 2nd match of the evening.. The Chug Monkeys steam rolled their opposition (appropriately named ‘Scrubs’) with a wining margin over 50 points. No one even had to sleep with the referee this time round. Good clean honest fun for the whole family!


Inside the Chug Monkeys:

As part of this month’s theme of “laughing at and not with”, resident bench warmer Dan decided to catch up with Chug Monkey Sean this week. CM Sean was not only a member of the Chug Monkeys first ever win, but also boasts the largest Boy Zone Album collection of anyone on the team. And ladies, he has the tattoo to prove it!


Dan: Now Sean, I’m sure you feel honoured to be in my presence, so let’s move onto some volleyball questions.

Chug Monkey Sean: (Glances at watch)

Dan: Now lets look at some of your most memorable moments so far, like that time you hit a winner when you were running backwards, not even facing the opposition.

Chug Monkey Sean: Umm wasn’t that you?

Dan: No sh*t it was! But let’s relive that time when you served 3 aces in a row to a secure a Chug Monkey Victory…

Chug Monkey Sean: Again you

Dan. Hell yeah! But you don’t see me bragging do you! So I don’t get confused again, how about you tell us your greatest volleyball moment to date.

Chug Monkey Sean: Well it would have to be

(DAN INTERUPTS)

Dan: You’re right, the time I won the point while I was laying on the ground. Yeah that was amazing! I had just dived for the ball and it came straight back so BAM straight to the back of the net. Most people would demand to be carried off the court shoulder high for such an effort, but not me, not me.

Chug Monkey Sean: (Groans) Right I vaguely remember that… now if I may talk about myself for just a moment

(DAN INTERUPTS AGAIN)

Dan: DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM!

Chug Monkey Sean: Dirk had the right idea after all

Dan: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll focus entirely on you now. So a quick question, is it true you once had an affair with Pauline Hanson?

(Sean Leaves)

Dan: I guess my game can be overly intimidating at times… DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM!

(5 Hours later)

Dan: DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM! DAN SLAM!

I’m sure many of you gave up time from your families or TV sets to read this, in which case now would be a good time to pick up the phone and seek help. Or simply tune in next week for more wisdom from ‘Inside the Chug Monkeys’. It’ll be just like Dr Phil, except we’ll tackle life’s big challenges with a slightly less goofy accent.


A new initiative: THE HUG MONKEYS

Chug Monkey Dan has decided that he not only wants to be role model on the court, but also a moral benchmark for his troubled & talent less teammates off the court. Therefore each win this season will not only add another pub onto the end of season night of nights, but also the good natured half of Chug Monkey Dan’s personality (who we’ll now refer to separately as Hug Monkey Dan) will make a purchase from Tear Australia’s ‘Worlds Most Useful Gift Catalogue’. The catalogue allows you to purchase various gifts for people in developing countries. Each donation forms part of a long-term development project that enables some of the poorest people in the world to create real and lasting change in their lives.

So each win = a $5 children’s school kit purchase from Hug Monkey Dan

This gift covers the cost of workbooks, exercise books, pencils and paper, or slate and chalk for a child in a community primary school.

Anyone else interested in this initiative can follow the link below or better yet if we have enough people interested the Chug Monkeys could start some kind of rotation system, or even get our own World Vision sponsor child. So for those keen to get involved please email Hug Monkey Dan and visit http://www.usefulgifts.org/

So although your skills may stink like monkey crap out on the volleyball court, you can still be a Hug Monkey and make a difference else where. And remember after each Chug Monkey Victory, there’s a chance you may receive an additional surprise in your inbox the next morning from Hug Monkey Dan.

Dial M for Monkey

Dial M for Monkey

Game Recap:

The powerful Chug Monkey locomotive was full steam ahead as we went on to score two victories back to back for the first time. Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug!

Noticeable Absentees:

What was meant to be the first appearance of the Official Chug Monkey “Beer Squad” support group, failed to happen. Not even the promise of Chug Monkeys Dirk and Dan in budgie smugglers was enticing enough. See below for reasons why.

Amanda: Busy – Reason: Crack habit plus grand theft auto
Vesna: Piked - Reason: Rowing practice (at least she should have been!)
Renee: Bailed at the last minute – Reason: I don’t know or care (Nobody breaks the Chug Monkey’s hearts and gets away with it!)

Stunning Debut:
This week saw the debut of the Chug Monkey’s Official Team Mascots:
“Professor Chuggles” and “Little Lugger”. Both sat court side during the match and lead the charge during post match celebrations.

Season Record:

4 Wins 4 Loses

This weeks Official Chug Monkey:

Dr Zaius

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

Hello and welcome to inside the Chug Monkeys. This week Dan gets the low down from Chug Money Jase, plus for our female readers, we’ll give you 5 signs that you’re living with Mr. Right.


Dan: Now Jase, what do you have to say about persistent rumours that you left the court 5 minutes into our first match to get a better view of that hot chick from Vegas All Stars playing on court 4?

Chug Monkey Jase: I take offense to that. My sudden departure was due to a serious medical condition. I’d much rather we chat about team chemistry.

Dan: Yep, I’m sure I saw some chemistry there, like just before halftime I think I made a little eye contact with her.

Chug Monkey Jase: Huh? Well back on volleyball, I’m happy to talk about some of our team’s memorable moments during that match.

Dan: Good luck with that. Now if you want memorable moments lets talk about our mystery girl from court 4. Like when she half glanced at me when she left that night!

Chug Monkey Jase: So that’s what you were bragging about. Wasn’t she holding hands with her BOYFIREND at the time?!!

Dan: I think it’s safer to assume they were brother and sister. Close family, I like that.

Chug Monkey Jase: Leanne did warn me about this. Are we done yet?

Dan: Are we done you ask, hell no! I’m totally asking for mystery girl’s number next week, right after I kick Leanne off the roster to make way for her.

Chug Monkey Jase: You sure have a way with women

(Jase Leaves)


Thanks again Jace for being a beacon of hope in the Chug Monkey’s quest for truth and justice. And remember ladies, if you’re man comes home smelling of another women’s perfume, good news…free perfume!


A Tribute to Dirk:

*** Warning Non-Dan content***

Leanne wanted to post a tribute to Dirk after he played his final match for the Chug Monkeys. Dirk is heading to the UK where the number of beach Volleyball courts is numbered at less than 3, so Dirk is looking to take the competition by storm.

Now I must remind our loyal readers that posts by talent less hacks like Leanne will not be a regular occurrence. However as she gives me a ride to the matches each week, I had little option this time.

A poem: Ode to Dirk

What can I say about Chug Monkey Dirk
Without him our team just doesn’t work

Although it is rare that you give us a set
And you are constantly hitting the f*cking top net

You brought to the game your own special style
Even though you were with us for just a short while

I know this sounds lame
But the Chug Monkeys wont be the same

So we say thanks a bunch
For your patented Super Man punch

And once you’re in the UK
We will need to find a way

To fulfill our dream
And start an international Chug Monkey team.


Fin

***To have Leanne’s content banned for life from all future newsletters please call Leanne directly at work to let her know the suffering she’s caused. It’s the only way she’ll learn***

Bye for now Chug Monkey Dirk

From CMD

It's On Like Donkey Kong!

This weeks events in Chug Monkey Land:

Game Recap:

With the return of ‘The Dan’ came a sense of hope and purpose to the Chug Monkey squad. His inspired words such as “don’t c*ck this up!” served to sooth and calm the minds of his troubled and largely untalented band of hooligan teammates. Then rising up from last weeks ashes like the Phoenix rising up from Arizona, the Mighty Chug Monkeys hammered nail after nail into their opposition’s coffins followed by several lengthy tap dancing routines on their opponent’s graves. Thanks to Dan for his talents and a pity clap to everyone else for making up the numbers.

Final Score: Chug Monkey: 69 Opponent: 7

Chug-a-lug!

Season record:
Wins 2 Loses 4

This Weeks Official Chug Monkey: Donkey Kong (good guess)

Inside the Chug Monkeys:
Best known for his aggressive demeanor on the court and his delectable choc chip muffins off the court, this week Chug Monkey Trent joins us for “Inside the Chug Monkeys”.

Dan: Now Trent, is it true you once mooned the opposition whilst on court?

Chug Monkey Trent: Lies! It was from inside my car after the match.

Dan: Ah yes the game is never quite over for you is it. Time and windex heals all wounds I guess.

Chug Monkey Trent: True, true.

Dan: So tell us more about your interests outside of the team.

Chug Monkey Trent: Well I have quite the figurine collection.

Dan: Really?

Chug Monkey Trent: Yes

Dan: Figurines? Really?

Chug Monkey Trent: Yes!

Dan: I see. Well you must be quite the demon with the ladies then

Chug Monkey Trent: Actually I’m married.

Dan: Really?

Chug Monkey Trent: Yes

Dan: Married? Really?

Chug Monkey Trent: Yes!

Dan: To a woman?

Chug Monkey Trent: Yes you d*ck!

Dan: Ok, good to clarify. So tell us more about Trent off the court

Chug Monkey Trent: Well I have several creative outlets

Dan: Wait, didn’t you want to call the team “spiderman”?!!

Chug Monkey Trent: (drops his head) Maybe

Dan: Back to volleyball and who’s your favourite teammate?

Chug Monkey Trent: I’d have to say my wife Leanne of course

Dan: Wait, you’re married?

Chug Monkey Trent: F*ck this!

(Trent Leaves)

And yet another one bites the dust. And before next weeks match, can everyone please remember the old saying, “if you can’t beat ‘em, then get the f*ck off my team!”
Luv Chug Monkey Dan XOX