How Chugging Good are We!

This week the Chug Monkeys were again faced with B-Grade opposition (for first time readers, “B-Grade” isn’t a slur as we usually play in C-Grade). Then it turns out the Chug Monkeys have been bumped up to B-Grade permanently according to the league ladder. A little harsh considering there is only around 3 weeks left in the season. Even more shocking is that the Chug Monkeys are actually on top of the B-Grade standings. This no doubt strikes fear into the hearts of our opposition, but as it turned out, an over inflated sense of the Chug Monkey’s own abilities.

Game Recaps:

Chug Monkeys versus Go Team or Top Net
With the opposition only having two players initially, the Chug Monkeys went into cruise control and bumbled through the majority of the game. However victory was never in doubt unlike Trent & Dan’s sanity.

Approximate final score: 36-22

Game 2:

Chug monkeys versus Vegas All Stars (featuring that hot chick from court 4)

The Chug Monkeys appeared to get their sh*t together this match, as they got out to an early double figure lead. However like the Chug Monkeys of old, they appeared to hit the snooze button early in the 2nd half and found themselves down by 5 points with limited time remaining. Luckily a moral boosting verbal attack on his team mates featuring several “your mamma” jokes by Chug Monkey Dan helped to fire up the Chug Monkeys to a come from behind victory. No doubt that hot chick from court 4 was impressed by Dan’s leadership skills despite the fact three of the “your mamma” jokes were targeted at her. And she must be in awe of his ability to connect with strangers like her instantly. And if not, then who gives a sh*t, we won!
Approximate final score: 45-40

Season Record:
29 Wins , 17 Loses

Other news:
Don’t forget to be on the lookout for an invite to the Chug Monkey’s end of season pub crawl in your inbox soon (Except for all you notorious pikers who can f*ck right of!)

Inside the Chug Monkeys
The Visitor

(Trent, Leanne & Sean return to Sean’s place after volleyball practice)

Sean: Where was Dan tonight? I feel naked on the beach without him. Metaphorically speaking of course.

(Sean opens the front door to see Dan sitting on his couch, eating some delicious Suimin Brand So Saucy Cup Noodles and watching tv in his boxer shorts )

Sean: Dan what the f*ck are you doing here!?
(Everyone looks at Sean in stunned silence)

Sean: Sorry, I’m just making up for Gemma’s absence.
(everyone nods in understanding)

Dan: Well you certainly didn’t make up for her absence on my beach this Tuesday…because we won! Anyway I thought maybe you could do with some company whilst Gemma’s away.

Sean: But look what you’ve done to my place. It appears you’ve replaced my entire DVD collection with the best of the Chug Monkey’s DVD box set.

Dan: There’s actually one DVD dull of Chug Monkey bloopers, which is essentially full length video of every game I don’t play in.

Sean: And what have you done to my bed room??

Dan: I’ve simply setup my junior Scientist kit in there. It’s a long term hobby of mine.

Leanne: Dan thats clearly a speed lab.

Dan: Well how else am I supposed to get this week’s shipment to Kings Cross by Friday? Any way judging by this week’s performance on my beach, I’d be surprised if you guys aren’t already well acquainted with the quality of this week’s batch.

Leanne: That’s a horrible thing to say…you bitch!...you bitch!
(Everyone looks at Leanne in stunned silence)

Leanne: Again just making up for Gemma’s absence.
(everyone nods in understanding)

Trent: Dan if you really need a place to crash, our door is always open
(Leanne stares at her wedding ring)

Leanne: What have I done? What have I done??

Dan: Thanks, but Sean cant kick me out, I’m practically part of the furniture here.

Sean: Speaking of which you’ve destroyed my ass curve in the sofa in the space of a few hours. It took me years to get the groove right you bastard.

Dan: Sorry judging by the size, I thought it was you fat cat’s.
(fat cat hisses at Dan)

Sean: What would Gemma do in a situation like this?
(Sean proceeds to kick Dan in the groin, which is easy to do since there is quite a bit of surface area to aim at)
(Dan drops to the ground in pain)

Dan: So this is what dating Gemma must feel like on a daily basis.

(Wingman Bruce suddenly bursts through the door with a bucket of KFC under his arm)

WM Bruce: Hey Dan I totally brought you that hot chicken from court 4 like you asked. How’s that for wingmanship?

Dan: You idiot!

(Dan proceeds to chase Wingman Bruce to the Benny Hill theme music)

Sean: Sorry it’s the only CD Dan left in my collection.

How about them Chug Monkeys

This week our opponents decided to resort to biological warfare to fend off the Chug Monkey’s charge to the finals. So with Moose and CM Dan struck down with illness, and since we couldn’t find a 2nd chick to play, the door opened for project Andrew (not to be confused with Wingman Bruce) to make his long awaited debut.
Since no one sent me a written game recap, what’s written below is based on the two different points of view of Chug Monkey Trent and Project Andrew from post game telephone conversations.

Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Sucked at Soccer:

Trent’s POV: With our new look team this week, I was a bit nervous, probably because that Andrew stinks it up every Sunday and he was somehow allowed to play. None the less we were able to cover for his incompetence in a close encounter with a solid team effort. But seriously my back is sore after carrying Andrew through the entire the match!

Andrew’s POV: Well it was great to finally get a run. I must say it was well over due! I mean I see the way Trent stinks it up every Sunday on Dan’s beach and I think the Chug Monkeys must be a charity since he keeps getting gifted games. I was a little nervous during the game, mostly because of what I heard Trent did to Gemma’s face last week. I mean when the guy hits the ball, it’s like being in a pin ball machine with a retard behind the flippers. I’m married so I can afford a hit to the face, actually it may very well be an improvement, but bachelor types like Dan need to be protected; otherwise he’ll never totally pick up the hot chick from court 4. None the less we were able to cover for Trent’s incompetence in a close encounter with a solid team effort. But seriously my back is sore after carrying Trent through the entire the match!

Approximate Final Score: 44-28

Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Sand Gropers:

Trent’s POV: Despite my lingering back soreness, I was still able to pull it together this match. Our opponents didn’t have any chicks on their team, but we still made them look like a bunch of school girls. Having said that maybe Andrew should have been playing for them. Seriously it was like there was quick sand under him because I get this sinking feel every time the ball goes in his direction! However, as I see myself as a father figure to some of our more useless players (namely Andrew), I sent him to the corner for a timeout and in the end that decision saved us, as we went on to a great victory. No thanks to Andrew

Andrew’s POV: Despite my lingering back soreness, I was still able to pull it together this match. Our opponents didn’t have any chicks on their team, but we still made them look like a bunch of school girls. Having said that, maybe Trent should have been playing for them. Also maybe that hot chick from court 4 as well, since I’m totally a fan of the whole school girl costume thing. Hey I’m only human so don’t you be judging! But seriously with Trent it was like he was a black hole on the court because he really really sucks! And once the ball comes near him, it sure as sh*t never comes back. However as I see myself as a favourite son of the Chug Monkeys, I drew a line in the sand in my corner of the court, and in the end that decision saved us, as we went on to a great victory. No thanks to that Trent bastard!

Approximate Final Score: 55-28

Season Record: 27 Wins, 17 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:
A glimpse of the future

This week, Dan ventured off to see a psychic to help him get a glimpse into the Chug Monkey’s finals hopes

Dan: So I should probably ask you the most important question first, the one which everyone is dyeing to her the answer to…

Psychic: Of course

Dan: When will I totally hook up with that hot chick from court 4?

Psychic: Sorry buddy miracles aren’t my department. You’re better off asking Leanne. She wouldn’t tell you the truth but she’ll definitely tell you the answer you want to hear.
Dan: Well it looks like its back to RSVP for me. Actually so I know everything you’re saying isn’t BS, please tell me something about my past.

Psychic: Well I’ve had a vision of you getting hit in the head with a brick at speed dating.
Dan: Wow! You really saw that?

Psychic: Yeah on utube.
Dan: (groans) Well this is truly money well spent. So tell me about my teams finals chances.

Psychic: I’m receiving feelings of pain, suffering and humiliation. No wait that’s the ratings of the next season of Australian Idol I’m thinking about. But seriously you guys are screwed.

Dan: What if I rostered all the crap players off?

Psychic: Then you guys wouldn’t have a team and you wouldn’t have a life!

Dan: That’s bullsh*t! I do have a life. I’ve totally got the phat party lined up next week.

Psychic: You mean your Mum’s 60th? By the way steer clear of the crab bisque.

Dan: Technically that’s still a party in my book, much like funerals are really. But now it’s time for some good news. With that hussy from court 4 off the cards, what else is on the menu with the ladies?

Psychic: I’m getting a vision off a hot brunette.

Dan: Awesome!

Psychic: No not for you! I meant on America’s top model on tv right now behind you.

Dan: (sighs) Anything else?

Psychic: But of course. I see a mysterious tall blonde.

Dan: Sweet! Tell me more.

Psychic: Well that tall blonde is the angry buff boyfriend of this chick you attempt to hit on during the end of season pub crawl. He beats you up.

Dan: Don’t my team mates come to my rescue like I do for them every Tuesday night on my beach??

Psychic: No! They’re either too drunk or they just plain don’t like you.

Dan: Don’t like me???? Now I know for sure you are totally full of sh*t!

(Dan proceeds to splash a cup of piping hot coffee in the Psychic’s face and run out of the building)
(Dan then sticks his head out of his car window whilst speeding off)

Dan: Hey if you were any f*cking good at your job you would have seen that coming you jerk!! Dan splash! Dan splash! Dan splash!

Fin

The Good the Bad and the Chugly

Game Recaps:

This week Dan copped a large serve of abuse from several disgruntled teammates regarding his new roster policy. And with the challenge of B-Grade opponents this week, things weren’t looking good for our heroes or Gemma.


Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Wilson

This opponent used to give the Chug Monkeys a pounding back in their early days. However this game was payback time. The Chug Monkeys fired up their high octane attack and trounced all who stood in their path. Sadly this actually included their own teammates at times, with Project Gemma taking a slam to the face from Trent. But like all good Chug Monkeys Gem soldiered on to join in one of the best Chug Monkey wins to date. Way to take it like a Dan Gem.

Approx Final Score: 50-20

Game 2: Chug Monkeys versus ???

Well whoever we played, they sucked royal! Fortunately they had this cute blonde chick on their team which made a boring ass game all the worthwhile (WingMan Bruce’s words, not mine).

Approx Final Score: 63-24

Season Record:
25 Wins
17 Loses



Inside the Chug Monkeys:

The Chug Monkey Dan reality series part 2
(The Net Offensive)


This week Chug Monkey Dan again takes ‘Inside the Chug Monkeys’ to strange new places as he experiments with online dating at RSVP. Here are the final results:

Chug Monkey Dan is frequently associated with the word ‘offensive’, however this week it was in an entirely context. After checking his online dating profile on an hourly basis last week, Dan had not received a single hit. No doubt the ladies were intimidated by Chug Monkey Dan’s unique for of beauty or perhaps a giant server crash occurred when everyone rushed to view Dan’s profile at once. Clearly a change of plan was needed, so Dan decided to go on the offensive by sending a free hello msg to several young ladies. In marketing we call this a ‘push strategy’ and as you know Chug Monkey Dan is all about pushing it to the limits. .

By end of Chug Monkey Dan’s ‘Net Offensive’ he had actually received up to 4 responses with complimentary feedback for Dan’s profile and a request for a photo. The question then is, what they hell is wrong with these women?! Dan’s profile was shallow sexist and by no means pleasant, yet still some ladies couldn’t resist. Dan therefore decided to leave online dating to the physco paths and delete his profile post haste.

For those of you who didn’t view the profile it copy and pasted below…and I await your response ;)

However the scariest thing of all was that a chick from a rival volleyball team had a profile on RSVP, but sadly it wasn’t that hot chick from court 4.




The Profile:
(Again please keep in mind this was not a serious attempt at online dating!!!!!!!!!!!)

ChugMonkeyDan25

Hello and welcome to the Chug Monkey Dan experiment. As you’ve probably already noticed, the guys on this website appear to be from the shallow end of the gene pool. So when RSVP needed some fresh talent for their website and Brad Pitt was already taken, naturally I was the first person they contacted. So this is a limited time offer RSVP has set up for all you ladies to get on board the Chug Monkey Dan train…quite literally if you wish.

I’m currently a member of the world’s most famous indoor beach volleyball team…the Chug Monkeys. Each week my loyal fan base tunes in to read up on my crazy adventures and I bet you’d all like to be a part of them. Recently I’ve begun to search for a young lady friend to share my beach with. Only problem is I’ve recently had a rough trot with love. Like I totally had a crush on this hot chick from court 4, until I accidentally knocked her unconscious when I sent a powerful ‘Dan Slam’ her way during her match. Also I got a brick thrown at my head when I gave speed dating a try, but hey it could’ve been 2 bricks so I see it as a positive experience. You live and learn, you live and learn. I also tried my luck at a bachelor auction once too. Only problem was they said I couldn’t use the guy I bought to clean dishes and tidy my room. I tell you this dating thing is a minefield. So if you’ve ever wanted to date a celebrity or just someone really good looking, then please put those dreams on hold until you’ve met Chug monkey Dan! This is a limited time offer by RSVP until August 12th so get it quick. That’s always been my motto anyway!

My Interests
Music:
'We are the champions' by Queen, as its usually what they play when I’m being carried off the court shoulder high
Reading:
Yes I can read
Movies & TV:
I can totally pretend to like romantic comedies/chick flicks if it means I cash in later!
Sport:
As you should already know I have my own indoor beach volleyball team. That’s really all that matters
Other interests:
Did I mention the indoor beach volleyball thing already? As well my interest in volleyball, I may show you a vague amount of interest for a brief period of time, then it’s back my beach.


My Ideal partner
Relationship sought: Short-term Relationship with a Female
Intelligent, self respecting and a good sense of humour, how cliché! You’ve got to be hot, smoking hot! I deserve nothing less and you deserve nothing less than the full Chug Monkey Dan experience! If you don’t fit this profile, then not on beach, not on my beach!
Details

You should be
Age:
Between 18 and 27 years old
Location:
Adelaide, South Australia