Who's your Monkey?

Game Recaps:

With Chug Monkey Dan absent this week, Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) took up the role of Keg Master. What follows is her game recap:


“The Chug Monkeys played to the best of their abilities and showed great team spirit throughout both matches. The opposition may have won on the score board, but in the end everyone was a winner, especially Volleyball! Yay!”

Now since we all know Leanne is a bubble headed optimist, Chug Monkey Dan has kindly provided his translation of Leanne’s rantings below:

In the absence of their spiritual leader, the Chug Monkeys once again performed like they were allergic to sand. Leanne’s decision to replace CM Dan’s coaching and wisdom with that of a magic 8 ball failed to shed any brightness on what was indeed another dark, dark week for the Chug Monkeys. If the Chug Monkeys made bricks, we could build one hell of a sh*t house!

Season Record:
8 Wins 12 loses


Inside the Chug Monkeys:

This week, Dan was made to take on more than his fair share of the interview work load, much like he does on the volleyball court (that means you suck!). So for the first time ever, Dan has gone the double interview, as this week he roasts Shane and Shar in “Inside the Chug Monkeys’.

Dan: When I wrote that letter to Santa wishing for a threesome, I know now I should have been more specific.

(Shane and Shar shudder in disgust)

Dan: Now since I don’t know or like either of you particularly well, I’ve invited a friend along to teach you cream puffs a few lessons that might toughen you up on my beach.

Shane: Cream Puffs? Leanne told me we were doing great!

Dan: Do you want me to translate that for you?

Shar: I suppose not.

Dan: Good! Now please welcome back the Chug Monkey Dan figurine, otherwise known as ‘Little Chug Monkey Dan’

Shane: I thought that was the name ladies gave to your…

Dan: Shut up! Now as you already know, ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ talks just like the real Chug Monkey Dan does. Now we’ll do a little quiz and each time write down the answer ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ says. So hopefully you’ll be a regular Hasselhoff on my beach after listening to this

(Shane and Shar roll eyes simultaneously)

Dan: First lesson, when the ball is hurtling toward you at a rapid pace, should you (a) stand your ground like a man or (b) bury your head in the sand like an ostrich? Now listen up!

(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)

Little Chug Monkey Dan: (Vomiting noise)

Dan: I’ve gotta stop letting him hang out with Trent on a Friday night! Sorry I’ll switch him to maximum ‘Chug Monkey Dan mode’ and try again.

(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)

Little Chug Monkey Dan: “This soufflé is just divine!”

Dan: Ok I’m not sure where that came from.

(Shar and Shane are heard snickering)

Shar: I suppose that doll of yours come with a matching Ken figurine as well!

Dan: Silence! Moving onto the next lesson: When the match is close, should you (a) engage in friendly banter with your opponent or (b) Taunt them about their recent divorce and house fire which you may or may not have started? Wait for it…

(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)

Little Chug Monkey Dan: (starts singing) “It’s raining men, hallelujah it’s raining men!”

(Shar and Shane are heard snickering louder)

Dan: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

(Dan grabs figurine and starts bashing it against a wall)

Little Chug Monkey Dan: “Oh no I forgot to tape Oprah!”

Dan: DIE! DIE!


(Shane and Shar make a run for it while Dan starts stomping on the figurine)

Dan: Hey come back, the soufflé is almost ready!


Remember readers train hard on Chug Monkey Dan’s beach to ensure your performances don’t turn out as half baked as Dan’s interviews…or his soufflés.

Won’t you take me to …Chug Monkey Town?

Game Recaps:


Game 1:

This week the Chug Monkeys set out to win back some much needed street cred. However the task would not prove easy. Initially the Chug Monkeys were faced with an all male opponent. Initially it was confusing what such a team was doing in a mixed gender league. Yet Chug Monkey Trent was quick to point out why they may have had difficulty recruiting girls to their team…they were total losers! Even stranger was the fact this all male team had decided to call themselves ‘horizontal folk dance’. However, Chug Monkey Dan showed no hesitation telling them during the match they should change their name to the ‘assorted creams’ because they were playing like a bunch of pansies. The Chug Monkeys went on to pummel their opposition in a merciless display. We won by like 50 points. Good times.

Game 2:

In game 2 the Chug Monkeys decided to make things interesting. A now traditional 2nd half collapse brought scores level after the Chug Monkeys had led comfortably early. However Chug Monkey Trent was able to steer the good ship Chug Monkey home with some magic in the final 2 minutes.

Season record:

8 wins 10 loses

Other news:

As the first annual Chug Monkey awards night draws closer, please send in your ideas for suggested awards. Do it! You can't just read this, borrow my favourite evening gown then steal my jokes and not contribute you fat bastards!

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

After a series of recent walk outs, this week Dan was forced to interview the Chug Monkey’s mascots (Professor Chuggles and little-lugger). We already know the mascots make for a great moral boost at game time, as well as a B-Grade meat loaf or casserole substitute, but lets see what else Dan managed to discover about them in ‘Inside the Chug Monkeys’.

Dan: Now how are you both today?

Mascots: (Remain silent since they are stuffed toys)

Dan: I’ve left you speechless, not the first time I’d had that effect on people, but seriously how would you describe my performance on Tuesday night?

Mascots: (Remain silent)

Dan: Lost for words huh? Indescribable? I know you’re thinking it. Yeah I must admit I was pretty sh*t hot that night! On the other hand Leanne was a little worried about how she played. What are your thoughts on her performance?

Mascots: (Remain silent)

Dan: Yeah I agree that awkward silence is warranted. Sums it up nicely I think. But don’t worry I’ve started my war on ‘sh*tness’ and it wont stop until me and my sack of walnuts have drummed my message into all my team mates. But let me know if you think I’m going over the top.

Mascots: (Remain silent)


Dan: Now since I’ve got you both here, I’ll take the opportunity to sign you up to the Official Chug Monkey Dan fan club. Every new member gets a free Chug Monkey Dan figurine. It even verbally abuses you just like the real Chug Monkey Dan does! Listen.

(Pulls string at back of figurine)

Chug Monkey Dan figurine: “You’re pathetic! You’re pathetic! You’re pathetic!”

Dan: (Laughing) Classic Chug Monkey Dan that is. Wait there’s more!

(Pulls string at back of figurine)

Chug Monkey Dan figurine: “Stop crying! Stop crying! Stop crying!”

Dan: I honestly believe in this figurine we have captured the essence of the living legend that is Chug Monkey Dan.

(Mascots escape through an open window)

Dan: How’s that even possible?!

Chug Monkey Dan figurine: “Dan Slam! Dan Slam! Dan Slam!”

Dan: You said it little buddy


Hey Mascots don’t talk and neither do Monkeys! Perhaps that was the joke. Very good. Until next time, please return my evening gown and stay the hell off my beach etc etc

Love

Chug Monkey Dan

Slugged Monkeys

Game Recap:

In both games the Chug Monkeys (featuring several Chug Monkey Interns) showed moments of brilliance and grace coupled with many more moments of ineptitude and shame…deep, deep shame.

Post match Chug Monkey Dan appeared to be meditating for several hours on how to rid his teammates of their negative thought patterns. However it later became evident from his snoring that he was simply enjoying nap time.

Perhaps then the only solution is more coaching and then more practice. Believe me it works! Why the 2nd time Chug Monkey Dan got coaching, “Coach Scott” described him as marginally less shit than the 1st time. Success!



Season Record:

6 Wins 10 Loses


Upcoming events: LOGO COMPETITION

The Chug Monkeys are still seeking to find their official logo or emblem. All are welcome to submit entries. The winner (and I use that term loosely) will receive a 25% reduction in verbal abuse from Chug Monkey Dan on game day. Success!


Inside the Chug Monkeys:

This week Dan used himself as bait and managed to reel in Katherine (aka Chug Monkey Intern Kat) for an interview. So let’s hear what the catch of the day has to say for herself.


Dan: Now Kat, when did you first truly feel like a member of the team?

CM Intern Kat: I think it was after Trent took me out for a beer. But I must admit, I’m not used to doing that at 10am on a Monday morning though.

Dan: Sounds like Trent was running a little behind schedule that day. Speaking of Trent, apparently he recommended you to be on the team, but after seeing your performances so far, I have to ask how many incriminating photos of him do you have, and with which animal?

CM Intern Kat: (Gasps in horror)

Dan: Nothing like blackmail for team spirit, but what I really wanted to say was I think to truly assimilate to the Chug Monkey way; you must eat, think and sleep volleyball like myself.
CM Intern Kat: Like that Sunday when you passed out on the court.

Dan: Well I must have been pushing my volleyball skills to the limit that day!!

CM Intern Kat: You had a bottle of Johnny Walker in your hand.

Dan: Well we were all out of Tequila. Now I’m sure when you signed up that Trent made you well aware that it’s mandatory for all team members to participate in our “Year of the Chug Monkey” swim suit calendar.

CM Intern Kat: Not a word!

Dan: Then how come I have this signed agreement form from you?!

CM Intern Kat: That’s clearly your handwriting!

Dan: Well noticed, if only your court awareness was as good!

CM Intern Kat: (Gasps in Horror)

Dan: Back to the calendar, I’m currently January through to August and Trent is MR Movember, so December is wide open. Perhaps you’re thinking a Christmas theme?

(Katherine Leaves)

Dan: Hey come back, I’ve already booked the costume and studio time!!!

Remember Chug Monkeys and wanna be Chug Monkeys, just like Dan persistence is the key. Keep this in mind and in your eyes the glass will always be half full… unless it’s around Trent at 10am on a Monday morning. Success!

Chuglarious!

Important news:

After a series of lack luster performances, last week Chug Monkey Dan stripped all but a mere few of their Chug Monkey titles (sorry if you thought that sentence was going to be more interesting). So until you can all prove yourselves not to be as soft as cup cakes, all fallen Chug Monkeys have been allocated to a project leader in order to institutionalize them in the Chug Monkey Arts. For example this week we saw the debut of Samuel, who is classified as ‘Project Muel’ under the Chug Monkey Dan School of Chug Monkey Arts. So remember to train hard and not bring you candy ass sh*t tactics onto my beach again, or your project leader will be ceremonially beaten with a sack of walnuts.


Game Recap:

Game 1:

The Chug Monkeys started off dishing out their usual brand of street justice. However after a traditional 2nd half collapse, the scores were tied at games end. The choices were to have a draw or next point wins. The opposition who currently held serve, pushed for ‘next point wins’. They then went on to loose two points in a row, in one of the largest embarrassments since Chug Monkey Trent suggested ‘Cross dressing’ theme week (and he was sober at the time!). Chug Monkeys win by one point! Chuglarious!

Game 2:

Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) uttered the famous last words “hey Dan, how about you sit the first half off”. Despite the enforcement of Chug Monkey Dan Law in the 2nd half, which in his own words involves “get the ball to me and then everyone else f*ck off”, the game was already well out of reach. Please everyone thank Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) with a friendly punch to the arm next time they see her (next week we’ll work the ribs).



This weeks Official Chug Monkey:

All those fat hairy guys who swim laps at Burnside pool. Most ape like.

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

This week Dan decided to catch up with Project Gemma, aka ‘Mission Impossible’. After recently being forced to sign up to the Chug Monkey Dan School of Chug Monkey Arts, Project Gemma was given the chance to tell her half of the story, including what its like to be married to the Prince of Denmark and which of Olsen Twins she hates more.



Dan: Now Gemma, tell us about the reaaallll Cancoon.

Project Gemma: I just want to say I found that introduction highly offensive! I haven’t been so embarrassed since Sean asked me out.

Dan: Wait, haven’t you guys been dating for like two years??

Project Gemma: Now you see the extent of my pain. How could you do such a thing?

Dan: Well let’s just say no one sells coke on my beach without Chug Monkey Dan getting a taste.

Project Gemma: WTF!? I’ll ask again, how can anyone with a shred of decency classify me as a project after all the hard work I’ve done?

Dan: We’ll let’s just say your track record so far is none too pleasing. I mean there’s that time you started beating teammates with a sack of walnuts after we almost choked in our first win.

Project Gemma: That was you!

Dan: Bull Sh*t it was!

Project Gemma: Yeah it was, we have video evidence remember.

Dan: I distinctly remember saying I wanted my face blurred!

Project Gemma: We could only do that for the part where the police threw you in the paddy wagon.

Dan: Well you have to understand my frustration, my back was quite sore after CARRYING THE TEAM ALL NIGHT!!!!

Project Gemma: Here’s an idea…Go F*ck yourself!

(Project Gemma leaves)

Dan: Still got it! (adjusts tie)



Thank you to Dan for yet another text book display of his bachelor charm. The only way is up for you young man!