Game Recaps:
With Chug Monkey Dan absent this week, Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) took up the role of Keg Master. What follows is her game recap:
“The Chug Monkeys played to the best of their abilities and showed great team spirit throughout both matches. The opposition may have won on the score board, but in the end everyone was a winner, especially Volleyball! Yay!”
Now since we all know Leanne is a bubble headed optimist, Chug Monkey Dan has kindly provided his translation of Leanne’s rantings below:
In the absence of their spiritual leader, the Chug Monkeys once again performed like they were allergic to sand. Leanne’s decision to replace CM Dan’s coaching and wisdom with that of a magic 8 ball failed to shed any brightness on what was indeed another dark, dark week for the Chug Monkeys. If the Chug Monkeys made bricks, we could build one hell of a sh*t house!
Season Record:
8 Wins 12 loses
Inside the Chug Monkeys:
This week, Dan was made to take on more than his fair share of the interview work load, much like he does on the volleyball court (that means you suck!). So for the first time ever, Dan has gone the double interview, as this week he roasts Shane and Shar in “Inside the Chug Monkeys’.
Dan: When I wrote that letter to Santa wishing for a threesome, I know now I should have been more specific.
(Shane and Shar shudder in disgust)
Dan: Now since I don’t know or like either of you particularly well, I’ve invited a friend along to teach you cream puffs a few lessons that might toughen you up on my beach.
Shane: Cream Puffs? Leanne told me we were doing great!
Dan: Do you want me to translate that for you?
Shar: I suppose not.
Dan: Good! Now please welcome back the Chug Monkey Dan figurine, otherwise known as ‘Little Chug Monkey Dan’
Shane: I thought that was the name ladies gave to your…
Dan: Shut up! Now as you already know, ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ talks just like the real Chug Monkey Dan does. Now we’ll do a little quiz and each time write down the answer ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ says. So hopefully you’ll be a regular Hasselhoff on my beach after listening to this
(Shane and Shar roll eyes simultaneously)
Dan: First lesson, when the ball is hurtling toward you at a rapid pace, should you (a) stand your ground like a man or (b) bury your head in the sand like an ostrich? Now listen up!
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: (Vomiting noise)
Dan: I’ve gotta stop letting him hang out with Trent on a Friday night! Sorry I’ll switch him to maximum ‘Chug Monkey Dan mode’ and try again.
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: “This soufflé is just divine!”
Dan: Ok I’m not sure where that came from.
(Shar and Shane are heard snickering)
Shar: I suppose that doll of yours come with a matching Ken figurine as well!
Dan: Silence! Moving onto the next lesson: When the match is close, should you (a) engage in friendly banter with your opponent or (b) Taunt them about their recent divorce and house fire which you may or may not have started? Wait for it…
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: (starts singing) “It’s raining men, hallelujah it’s raining men!”
(Shar and Shane are heard snickering louder)
Dan: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
(Dan grabs figurine and starts bashing it against a wall)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: “Oh no I forgot to tape Oprah!”
Dan: DIE! DIE!
(Shane and Shar make a run for it while Dan starts stomping on the figurine)
Dan: Hey come back, the soufflé is almost ready!
Remember readers train hard on Chug Monkey Dan’s beach to ensure your performances don’t turn out as half baked as Dan’s interviews…or his soufflés.
With Chug Monkey Dan absent this week, Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) took up the role of Keg Master. What follows is her game recap:
“The Chug Monkeys played to the best of their abilities and showed great team spirit throughout both matches. The opposition may have won on the score board, but in the end everyone was a winner, especially Volleyball! Yay!”
Now since we all know Leanne is a bubble headed optimist, Chug Monkey Dan has kindly provided his translation of Leanne’s rantings below:
In the absence of their spiritual leader, the Chug Monkeys once again performed like they were allergic to sand. Leanne’s decision to replace CM Dan’s coaching and wisdom with that of a magic 8 ball failed to shed any brightness on what was indeed another dark, dark week for the Chug Monkeys. If the Chug Monkeys made bricks, we could build one hell of a sh*t house!
Season Record:
8 Wins 12 loses
Inside the Chug Monkeys:
This week, Dan was made to take on more than his fair share of the interview work load, much like he does on the volleyball court (that means you suck!). So for the first time ever, Dan has gone the double interview, as this week he roasts Shane and Shar in “Inside the Chug Monkeys’.
Dan: When I wrote that letter to Santa wishing for a threesome, I know now I should have been more specific.
(Shane and Shar shudder in disgust)
Dan: Now since I don’t know or like either of you particularly well, I’ve invited a friend along to teach you cream puffs a few lessons that might toughen you up on my beach.
Shane: Cream Puffs? Leanne told me we were doing great!
Dan: Do you want me to translate that for you?
Shar: I suppose not.
Dan: Good! Now please welcome back the Chug Monkey Dan figurine, otherwise known as ‘Little Chug Monkey Dan’
Shane: I thought that was the name ladies gave to your…
Dan: Shut up! Now as you already know, ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ talks just like the real Chug Monkey Dan does. Now we’ll do a little quiz and each time write down the answer ‘little Chug Monkey Dan’ says. So hopefully you’ll be a regular Hasselhoff on my beach after listening to this
(Shane and Shar roll eyes simultaneously)
Dan: First lesson, when the ball is hurtling toward you at a rapid pace, should you (a) stand your ground like a man or (b) bury your head in the sand like an ostrich? Now listen up!
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: (Vomiting noise)
Dan: I’ve gotta stop letting him hang out with Trent on a Friday night! Sorry I’ll switch him to maximum ‘Chug Monkey Dan mode’ and try again.
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: “This soufflé is just divine!”
Dan: Ok I’m not sure where that came from.
(Shar and Shane are heard snickering)
Shar: I suppose that doll of yours come with a matching Ken figurine as well!
Dan: Silence! Moving onto the next lesson: When the match is close, should you (a) engage in friendly banter with your opponent or (b) Taunt them about their recent divorce and house fire which you may or may not have started? Wait for it…
(Dan pulls string at back of figurine)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: (starts singing) “It’s raining men, hallelujah it’s raining men!”
(Shar and Shane are heard snickering louder)
Dan: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
(Dan grabs figurine and starts bashing it against a wall)
Little Chug Monkey Dan: “Oh no I forgot to tape Oprah!”
Dan: DIE! DIE!
(Shane and Shar make a run for it while Dan starts stomping on the figurine)
Dan: Hey come back, the soufflé is almost ready!
Remember readers train hard on Chug Monkey Dan’s beach to ensure your performances don’t turn out as half baked as Dan’s interviews…or his soufflés.
1 comment:
Hi Dan,
Why won't you give me any court time? My friend rings up and praises your blog and you still keep me benched.
What do I have to do to get on "your beach"?
yours sincerely
Tom
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