Chugglory!

The finals format was the best of three games which went for 8 minutes each (split into two four minutes halves). The Chug Monkeys faced the number 4 placed team in the semi final.

Finals Roster: Chug Monkey Dan, Moose, Trent Attack, Wing Man Bruce, Projects Sean & Gemma.

Semi Final: Chug Monkeys versus That team which never shares the ball during warm ups.
With our opponents only featuring 4 players, it didn’t take long for the Chug Monkeys to start kicking the sh*t out of them. The Chug Monkeys got off to an early lead in both games and took out the semi final in only 2 games.

Team Leaders:
Winners: Trent 8, Dan 7
Winners to unforced errors ratio: Trent 8:0, Dan 7:1
Assists: Sean 10, Trent 7
Points Won on Serve: Gemma 7, Wingman Bruce 6

Grand Final: Chug Monkeys versus Mad Cow
The Chug Monkeys were facing an opponent who was the first team the Chug Monkeys ever beat. However Mad Cow and easily thrashed the Chug Monkeys the last time the 2 teams met.

Game 1:
Led by some sweet serving from Gemma, the Chug Monkeys jumped out of the blocks against Mad Cow who looked almost half asleep initially. The Chug Monkeys managed to reach double figures before their opponent even got on the scoreboard, running out winners 14-1.

Game 2:
This time the Chug Monkeys looked asleep early as they fell behind the 8 ball with Mad Cow shooting out to a 5 point lead. A late comeback was staged, setting up a tense finish. At the then end of the first 8 minutes scores were tied with next point won on serve to win. Both teams had chances to win, but sadly Mad Cow capitalized on theirs to force a game 3 showdown.

Game 3:
From the opening serve scores were close and the tension was rising on the beach. Late in the 2nd half the Chug Monkeys had a slim lead during a crucial rally which would prove decisive in the context of the match. Chug Monkey Dan managed to get a hand on an opponent’s slam after it hit the back net, Trent then managed to pop the ball up and a late fist from Sean at the front net sent the ball into the opponents back net and then the sand. The Chug Monkeys managed to maintain their lead after this point with Mad Cow making several costly errors and Gemma’s continued good serving helpinh to close out the match.

CHUG MONKEYS WIN! EVERYBODY BACK TO DAN’S FOR BEER AND PIZZA!

Team Leaders:
Winners: Dan 10, Trent 8, Sean 8, Wing man Bruce 8
Winners to unforced errors ratio: Dan 10:1, Wing Man Bruce 4:1
Assists: Dan 10, Wing Man Bruce 8, Moose 6
Points Won on Serve: Gemma 8, Moose 7

Twas the week before finals...

I can’ be stuffed writing this week since I didn’t play.
The Scrub Monkeys spilt their two games meaning we still hold the #1 position on the ladder.

…bring on finals!

End of Season Record:
32 Wins – 20 losses

Gorillas on the Piss

This week a massive thud was heard at the Camden Park indoor sports centre, as the Chug Monkeys came crashing back to earth.

Game 1:
The Chug Monkeys played the best team in b-grade and despite a much improved 2nd half and some nifty work at the net from Jase, the Chug Monkeys never threatened.
Approximate final score: 50- 32

Game 2:
The Chug Monkeys were originally supposed to be playing the Vegas All stars featuring that hot chick from court 4. However a last minute switch of opponents was made, much to Chug Monkey Dan’s disgust. Nonetheless the Chug Monkeys got off to an early break and looked comfortable. This was before a good old fashioned 2nd half collapse left the Chug Monkeys on the wrong end of the score board.
Approximate final score: 37-30

Double losses this Week

Season Record:
31 Wins – 19 losses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

Statisfaction

After this week’s performance Dan (Chief of the Chug Monkey Tribe) was keen for some further analysis on why his team sucked ass. He proceeded then to call on Pub Monkey Neil to provide him with the statistics that mattered.

Dan: So tell like it like is!

Neil: Well the ratios were all wrong this week, 2:4 just isn’t good enough!

Dan: Yeah that not good enough for a winners to unforced errors ratio.

Neil: WTF? I was talking about the numbers of chick to guys on the court. If I’m expected to come out and watch this slop each week then you need to recruit some more chicks or either Trent or Sean is up for a sex change. Am I right people?!!

Dan: Who are you talking to? Anyway tell me about the player ratings for this week. Now these are crucial with finals just around the corner.

Neil: Well I gave Gemma a 6 and Leanne a 5, a pity 5 at that. It might have been higher if I’d had a few drinks but I wouldn’t count on it. Am I right people?!!
[Dan glances around to see if there might be anyone else Neil is talking to]

Dan: You pinhead it’s supposed to be rating of their Volleyball performance, not their looks! However the numbers certainly don’t lie. Ok then what’s that bar chart there which keeps going up and up.

Neil: That’s the amount of innuendo which is in the blog each week

Dan: no argument there. What that inverse one I see which keeps going down?

Neil: That’s your number of views for the blog each week.

Dan: Well it could easily be the same chart for the talent level of my team. What’s that last chart there which is empty?

Neil: That’s the number of people who laughed at that last joke. Am I right people?!!

Dan: Look we have finals coming up soon and I need some statistical insights into who I should pick to play and why.

Neil: Well you’ve got to have Wing Man Bruce and Jase in there. Bruce is up to a level 5 Elvin prince and Jase is not too far behind.

Dan: Your basing your analysis on Dungeons and Dragons ratings?? I haven’t seen such a poor performance since I tried that internet dating thing. And for some reason I’m still getting hate mail about that.

Neil: On average 5 letters and 3 restraining orders per week if my memory serves me correctly.

Dan: Is there any good news for me?

Neil: Of course

Dan: Well?

Neil: We’re out of bad news. Am I right people?!!

Dan: I’m I supposed to answer that

Hey so I heard that those guys look the same, there’s two of them, they’re multiplying and they love it when you say “which one are you?”

I also heard shit twin jokes get you kicked in the balls, but I guess you’ll all have to find out for yourselves.

The search for Miss Chug Monkey Australia

Game Recaps:

Game 1:
In one of their hardest fought victories to date, the Chug Monkeys won by forfeit as the opposition failed to show up.

Game 2: Chug Monkeys versus Piston Broke.
For those of you that have good memories the Chug Monkeys were previous spanked by Piston Broke. They are better remembered as the team that wasted time by kicking sand at each other and kicking the ball around the court. However this match up was a far different story! Sean got the team off to a great start with a sweet serving streak. Chug Monkey Dan then repeated the dosage in the second half as Piston Broke continue to crash and burn. Truly one of the most pleasing victories to date!
Final Score: approx 55-20

Season Record:
31 Wins , 17 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:
Ladies night
With project Emma piking close to game day, the Chug Monkeys were forced to field a squad with only one chick this week. Chug Monkey Dan decided it was time some action was taken. Therefore he made it his personal mission to find some fresh female talent for his band of misfits. However as we will see, he was forced to think outside the square.

1900 phone sex Chick: Hi there stud you’re talking to Moana.

Dan: Finally someone is speaking to me, the last 3 chicks hung up.

1900 Chick: Don’t worry baby I like it rough

Dan: Great cause I can be a real bastard out there on my beach. Especially with finals coming up. Just ask…well all of my teammates.

1900 Chick: Team mates? So you’re into the group thing? That’s hot. So tell me your favourite position.

Dan: Generally I prefer it when my team is on top of things for the whole 30 minutes. But it’s also exciting when we seem down and out and disinterested, but then come from behind at the last second.

1900 Chick: 30 minutes I’m impressed.

Dan: Actually we do it twice in one night. Generally I’m fairly selfish and do all the scoring. And of course I take a nap after.

1900 Chick: That’s exactly what I like to hear baby.

Dan: Great, so you’ll come and play volleyball this Sunday?

1900 Chick: Volleyball? Why the f*ck would I want to do that?!

Dan: No offense but I thought a girl in your line of work would be happy to try just about anything.

1900 Chick: Piss off! Especially if it’s that team Wing Man Bruce plays for!

Dan: How do you know him?
[1900 Chick hangs up]

Dan: So he’s stealing my potential recruits now.

[Dan proceeds to take a photo of Wing Man Bruce and himself from his wallet and tear it to pieces]

Dan: I have no wingman!

Project Gemma: Dan I haven’t been able to find my phone since I got back from China.

Dan: Hey I just found it.

[Dan proceed to hand Gemma back her phone he just made the last phone call on at $8.99 a minute]

Project Gemma: Thanks Dan. You’re not such a bastard after all!

Dan: Not until you get that phone bill anyway.

How Chugging Good are We!

This week the Chug Monkeys were again faced with B-Grade opposition (for first time readers, “B-Grade” isn’t a slur as we usually play in C-Grade). Then it turns out the Chug Monkeys have been bumped up to B-Grade permanently according to the league ladder. A little harsh considering there is only around 3 weeks left in the season. Even more shocking is that the Chug Monkeys are actually on top of the B-Grade standings. This no doubt strikes fear into the hearts of our opposition, but as it turned out, an over inflated sense of the Chug Monkey’s own abilities.

Game Recaps:

Chug Monkeys versus Go Team or Top Net
With the opposition only having two players initially, the Chug Monkeys went into cruise control and bumbled through the majority of the game. However victory was never in doubt unlike Trent & Dan’s sanity.

Approximate final score: 36-22

Game 2:

Chug monkeys versus Vegas All Stars (featuring that hot chick from court 4)

The Chug Monkeys appeared to get their sh*t together this match, as they got out to an early double figure lead. However like the Chug Monkeys of old, they appeared to hit the snooze button early in the 2nd half and found themselves down by 5 points with limited time remaining. Luckily a moral boosting verbal attack on his team mates featuring several “your mamma” jokes by Chug Monkey Dan helped to fire up the Chug Monkeys to a come from behind victory. No doubt that hot chick from court 4 was impressed by Dan’s leadership skills despite the fact three of the “your mamma” jokes were targeted at her. And she must be in awe of his ability to connect with strangers like her instantly. And if not, then who gives a sh*t, we won!
Approximate final score: 45-40

Season Record:
29 Wins , 17 Loses

Other news:
Don’t forget to be on the lookout for an invite to the Chug Monkey’s end of season pub crawl in your inbox soon (Except for all you notorious pikers who can f*ck right of!)

Inside the Chug Monkeys
The Visitor

(Trent, Leanne & Sean return to Sean’s place after volleyball practice)

Sean: Where was Dan tonight? I feel naked on the beach without him. Metaphorically speaking of course.

(Sean opens the front door to see Dan sitting on his couch, eating some delicious Suimin Brand So Saucy Cup Noodles and watching tv in his boxer shorts )

Sean: Dan what the f*ck are you doing here!?
(Everyone looks at Sean in stunned silence)

Sean: Sorry, I’m just making up for Gemma’s absence.
(everyone nods in understanding)

Dan: Well you certainly didn’t make up for her absence on my beach this Tuesday…because we won! Anyway I thought maybe you could do with some company whilst Gemma’s away.

Sean: But look what you’ve done to my place. It appears you’ve replaced my entire DVD collection with the best of the Chug Monkey’s DVD box set.

Dan: There’s actually one DVD dull of Chug Monkey bloopers, which is essentially full length video of every game I don’t play in.

Sean: And what have you done to my bed room??

Dan: I’ve simply setup my junior Scientist kit in there. It’s a long term hobby of mine.

Leanne: Dan thats clearly a speed lab.

Dan: Well how else am I supposed to get this week’s shipment to Kings Cross by Friday? Any way judging by this week’s performance on my beach, I’d be surprised if you guys aren’t already well acquainted with the quality of this week’s batch.

Leanne: That’s a horrible thing to say…you bitch!...you bitch!
(Everyone looks at Leanne in stunned silence)

Leanne: Again just making up for Gemma’s absence.
(everyone nods in understanding)

Trent: Dan if you really need a place to crash, our door is always open
(Leanne stares at her wedding ring)

Leanne: What have I done? What have I done??

Dan: Thanks, but Sean cant kick me out, I’m practically part of the furniture here.

Sean: Speaking of which you’ve destroyed my ass curve in the sofa in the space of a few hours. It took me years to get the groove right you bastard.

Dan: Sorry judging by the size, I thought it was you fat cat’s.
(fat cat hisses at Dan)

Sean: What would Gemma do in a situation like this?
(Sean proceeds to kick Dan in the groin, which is easy to do since there is quite a bit of surface area to aim at)
(Dan drops to the ground in pain)

Dan: So this is what dating Gemma must feel like on a daily basis.

(Wingman Bruce suddenly bursts through the door with a bucket of KFC under his arm)

WM Bruce: Hey Dan I totally brought you that hot chicken from court 4 like you asked. How’s that for wingmanship?

Dan: You idiot!

(Dan proceeds to chase Wingman Bruce to the Benny Hill theme music)

Sean: Sorry it’s the only CD Dan left in my collection.

How about them Chug Monkeys

This week our opponents decided to resort to biological warfare to fend off the Chug Monkey’s charge to the finals. So with Moose and CM Dan struck down with illness, and since we couldn’t find a 2nd chick to play, the door opened for project Andrew (not to be confused with Wingman Bruce) to make his long awaited debut.
Since no one sent me a written game recap, what’s written below is based on the two different points of view of Chug Monkey Trent and Project Andrew from post game telephone conversations.

Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Sucked at Soccer:

Trent’s POV: With our new look team this week, I was a bit nervous, probably because that Andrew stinks it up every Sunday and he was somehow allowed to play. None the less we were able to cover for his incompetence in a close encounter with a solid team effort. But seriously my back is sore after carrying Andrew through the entire the match!

Andrew’s POV: Well it was great to finally get a run. I must say it was well over due! I mean I see the way Trent stinks it up every Sunday on Dan’s beach and I think the Chug Monkeys must be a charity since he keeps getting gifted games. I was a little nervous during the game, mostly because of what I heard Trent did to Gemma’s face last week. I mean when the guy hits the ball, it’s like being in a pin ball machine with a retard behind the flippers. I’m married so I can afford a hit to the face, actually it may very well be an improvement, but bachelor types like Dan need to be protected; otherwise he’ll never totally pick up the hot chick from court 4. None the less we were able to cover for Trent’s incompetence in a close encounter with a solid team effort. But seriously my back is sore after carrying Trent through the entire the match!

Approximate Final Score: 44-28

Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Sand Gropers:

Trent’s POV: Despite my lingering back soreness, I was still able to pull it together this match. Our opponents didn’t have any chicks on their team, but we still made them look like a bunch of school girls. Having said that maybe Andrew should have been playing for them. Seriously it was like there was quick sand under him because I get this sinking feel every time the ball goes in his direction! However, as I see myself as a father figure to some of our more useless players (namely Andrew), I sent him to the corner for a timeout and in the end that decision saved us, as we went on to a great victory. No thanks to Andrew

Andrew’s POV: Despite my lingering back soreness, I was still able to pull it together this match. Our opponents didn’t have any chicks on their team, but we still made them look like a bunch of school girls. Having said that, maybe Trent should have been playing for them. Also maybe that hot chick from court 4 as well, since I’m totally a fan of the whole school girl costume thing. Hey I’m only human so don’t you be judging! But seriously with Trent it was like he was a black hole on the court because he really really sucks! And once the ball comes near him, it sure as sh*t never comes back. However as I see myself as a favourite son of the Chug Monkeys, I drew a line in the sand in my corner of the court, and in the end that decision saved us, as we went on to a great victory. No thanks to that Trent bastard!

Approximate Final Score: 55-28

Season Record: 27 Wins, 17 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:
A glimpse of the future

This week, Dan ventured off to see a psychic to help him get a glimpse into the Chug Monkey’s finals hopes

Dan: So I should probably ask you the most important question first, the one which everyone is dyeing to her the answer to…

Psychic: Of course

Dan: When will I totally hook up with that hot chick from court 4?

Psychic: Sorry buddy miracles aren’t my department. You’re better off asking Leanne. She wouldn’t tell you the truth but she’ll definitely tell you the answer you want to hear.
Dan: Well it looks like its back to RSVP for me. Actually so I know everything you’re saying isn’t BS, please tell me something about my past.

Psychic: Well I’ve had a vision of you getting hit in the head with a brick at speed dating.
Dan: Wow! You really saw that?

Psychic: Yeah on utube.
Dan: (groans) Well this is truly money well spent. So tell me about my teams finals chances.

Psychic: I’m receiving feelings of pain, suffering and humiliation. No wait that’s the ratings of the next season of Australian Idol I’m thinking about. But seriously you guys are screwed.

Dan: What if I rostered all the crap players off?

Psychic: Then you guys wouldn’t have a team and you wouldn’t have a life!

Dan: That’s bullsh*t! I do have a life. I’ve totally got the phat party lined up next week.

Psychic: You mean your Mum’s 60th? By the way steer clear of the crab bisque.

Dan: Technically that’s still a party in my book, much like funerals are really. But now it’s time for some good news. With that hussy from court 4 off the cards, what else is on the menu with the ladies?

Psychic: I’m getting a vision off a hot brunette.

Dan: Awesome!

Psychic: No not for you! I meant on America’s top model on tv right now behind you.

Dan: (sighs) Anything else?

Psychic: But of course. I see a mysterious tall blonde.

Dan: Sweet! Tell me more.

Psychic: Well that tall blonde is the angry buff boyfriend of this chick you attempt to hit on during the end of season pub crawl. He beats you up.

Dan: Don’t my team mates come to my rescue like I do for them every Tuesday night on my beach??

Psychic: No! They’re either too drunk or they just plain don’t like you.

Dan: Don’t like me???? Now I know for sure you are totally full of sh*t!

(Dan proceeds to splash a cup of piping hot coffee in the Psychic’s face and run out of the building)
(Dan then sticks his head out of his car window whilst speeding off)

Dan: Hey if you were any f*cking good at your job you would have seen that coming you jerk!! Dan splash! Dan splash! Dan splash!

Fin

The Good the Bad and the Chugly

Game Recaps:

This week Dan copped a large serve of abuse from several disgruntled teammates regarding his new roster policy. And with the challenge of B-Grade opponents this week, things weren’t looking good for our heroes or Gemma.


Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Wilson

This opponent used to give the Chug Monkeys a pounding back in their early days. However this game was payback time. The Chug Monkeys fired up their high octane attack and trounced all who stood in their path. Sadly this actually included their own teammates at times, with Project Gemma taking a slam to the face from Trent. But like all good Chug Monkeys Gem soldiered on to join in one of the best Chug Monkey wins to date. Way to take it like a Dan Gem.

Approx Final Score: 50-20

Game 2: Chug Monkeys versus ???

Well whoever we played, they sucked royal! Fortunately they had this cute blonde chick on their team which made a boring ass game all the worthwhile (WingMan Bruce’s words, not mine).

Approx Final Score: 63-24

Season Record:
25 Wins
17 Loses



Inside the Chug Monkeys:

The Chug Monkey Dan reality series part 2
(The Net Offensive)


This week Chug Monkey Dan again takes ‘Inside the Chug Monkeys’ to strange new places as he experiments with online dating at RSVP. Here are the final results:

Chug Monkey Dan is frequently associated with the word ‘offensive’, however this week it was in an entirely context. After checking his online dating profile on an hourly basis last week, Dan had not received a single hit. No doubt the ladies were intimidated by Chug Monkey Dan’s unique for of beauty or perhaps a giant server crash occurred when everyone rushed to view Dan’s profile at once. Clearly a change of plan was needed, so Dan decided to go on the offensive by sending a free hello msg to several young ladies. In marketing we call this a ‘push strategy’ and as you know Chug Monkey Dan is all about pushing it to the limits. .

By end of Chug Monkey Dan’s ‘Net Offensive’ he had actually received up to 4 responses with complimentary feedback for Dan’s profile and a request for a photo. The question then is, what they hell is wrong with these women?! Dan’s profile was shallow sexist and by no means pleasant, yet still some ladies couldn’t resist. Dan therefore decided to leave online dating to the physco paths and delete his profile post haste.

For those of you who didn’t view the profile it copy and pasted below…and I await your response ;)

However the scariest thing of all was that a chick from a rival volleyball team had a profile on RSVP, but sadly it wasn’t that hot chick from court 4.




The Profile:
(Again please keep in mind this was not a serious attempt at online dating!!!!!!!!!!!)

ChugMonkeyDan25

Hello and welcome to the Chug Monkey Dan experiment. As you’ve probably already noticed, the guys on this website appear to be from the shallow end of the gene pool. So when RSVP needed some fresh talent for their website and Brad Pitt was already taken, naturally I was the first person they contacted. So this is a limited time offer RSVP has set up for all you ladies to get on board the Chug Monkey Dan train…quite literally if you wish.

I’m currently a member of the world’s most famous indoor beach volleyball team…the Chug Monkeys. Each week my loyal fan base tunes in to read up on my crazy adventures and I bet you’d all like to be a part of them. Recently I’ve begun to search for a young lady friend to share my beach with. Only problem is I’ve recently had a rough trot with love. Like I totally had a crush on this hot chick from court 4, until I accidentally knocked her unconscious when I sent a powerful ‘Dan Slam’ her way during her match. Also I got a brick thrown at my head when I gave speed dating a try, but hey it could’ve been 2 bricks so I see it as a positive experience. You live and learn, you live and learn. I also tried my luck at a bachelor auction once too. Only problem was they said I couldn’t use the guy I bought to clean dishes and tidy my room. I tell you this dating thing is a minefield. So if you’ve ever wanted to date a celebrity or just someone really good looking, then please put those dreams on hold until you’ve met Chug monkey Dan! This is a limited time offer by RSVP until August 12th so get it quick. That’s always been my motto anyway!

My Interests
Music:
'We are the champions' by Queen, as its usually what they play when I’m being carried off the court shoulder high
Reading:
Yes I can read
Movies & TV:
I can totally pretend to like romantic comedies/chick flicks if it means I cash in later!
Sport:
As you should already know I have my own indoor beach volleyball team. That’s really all that matters
Other interests:
Did I mention the indoor beach volleyball thing already? As well my interest in volleyball, I may show you a vague amount of interest for a brief period of time, then it’s back my beach.


My Ideal partner
Relationship sought: Short-term Relationship with a Female
Intelligent, self respecting and a good sense of humour, how cliché! You’ve got to be hot, smoking hot! I deserve nothing less and you deserve nothing less than the full Chug Monkey Dan experience! If you don’t fit this profile, then not on beach, not on my beach!
Details

You should be
Age:
Between 18 and 27 years old
Location:
Adelaide, South Australia

My Name is Dan

Recently Chug monkey Dan begun a half assed attempt to undo some of the wrongs he has done this season. So this week Chug Monkey Dan thought he would give his team mates some much needed game time by scheduling himself off. Furthermore he decided he would prepare a post game feast for his team mates. By doing this Chug Monkey had no doubt some good karma would be heading his way. In his absence this is how things turned out:


Game 1: Scrub Monkeys versus Sand Pitt

With Sand Pitt being the worst team in the league, one would expect the Scrub monkeys to cruise to an easy and moral boosting win. Turns out they won 35-23, but did I mention they played the worst team in the league...


Game 2: Scrub Monkeys versus Link/Battlefield (the team with that really short chick and the bearded dude)

The Scrub Monkeys showed plenty of Scrub Monkey spirit to only lose by…..well who gives a f*ck they f*cking lost! Final score: 28-31. Way to serve losers! Further more they totally piked on Chug Monkey Dan’s post game feast. Chug Monkey Dan slumped into bed only to be haunted in his sleep by a nightmare playing over and over. It sounded a bit like:

(The sound of the ball crashing into the net on a serve “that’s ok I get one per game”)
(The sound of the ball again crashing into the net on a serve “that’s ok you get one per game”)
(The sound of the ball again crashing into the net on a serve “that’s ok you get one per game”)


Now imagine that 25 more times and you not only have Dan’s nightmare but a perfect recap of how the Scrub Monkeys played. Chug Monkey Dan awoke from is slumber and with “that’s ok I get one per game” still echoing in his head, he texted those responsible saying “You don’t get one per game, the only thing you can get is the f*ck off my beach!”. Not bad for 3am. Chug Monkey Dan then decided that being nice and thinking about Karma had done his team no good at all and therefore they have no right to complain when he reverts back to being a total asshole next week.

Season Record:
23 Wins
17 Loses

Other news:
Fix up your f*cking serving!

Inside the Chug Monkeys:
The Chug Monkey Dan reality series

Following on from his speed dating experiment last week, this week Chug Monkey Dan takes ‘Inside the Chug Monkeys’ to strange new places. So this week Chug Monkey Dan experiments with online dating at RSVP by advertising himself as a limited time offer and promising one lucky lady a visit to his sacred beach. So for the next 2 weeks we will monitor his progress. As usual Chug Monkey Dan will be letting the ladies come to him, but hopefully this time they won’t be carrying mace.

So please visit rsvp.com.au and run a search for ChugMonkeyDan25. No doubt you won’t be the only one having a peak.

Not that a smooth operator like Chug Monkey Dan needs your advise, but if you do feel compelled to offer any then why not leave a comment on the blog. Just keep in mind that free advise if worth exactly what you pay for it…which is also what Chug Monkey Dan thinks the Scrub Monkeys are worth….jack sh*t!

Please keep in mind this is not a serious attempted at online dating (although there is a profile to visit). It is simply a piece of blog related humour. I have to post these kinds of disclaimers because half of you morons keep thinking this blog is actually for real, what pin heads!

More Monkey than you can Chug!

Game Recaps:


Game 1: Chug Monkeys versus Horizontal Folk Dance (that team of all guys and occasionally one rather masculine looking chick)

The early signs weren’t good as the Chug Monkeys played keep the ball off Dan and consequently found themselves down 0-15. Project Emma thought she’d assist the situation by arriving ‘fashionably late’ as she puts it. It was at this time that Chug Monkey Dan realized he’d forgotten to put on his lucky red shirt which he’d won 10 games in a row with. However the Chug Monkeys soon got their sh*t together thanks largely to the efforts of Jase, Dan and first gamer Project Bruce. The game ebbed and flowed with the Chug Monkeys finally building a small lead and protecting it until the end. It was at this point that Chug Monkey Dan relaised his team’s early game troubles had nothing to with his choice of shirt, it was just his team mates were playing a bit sh*t. However the quality efforts of Project Bruce on debut make him this weeks winner of ‘Chug Monkey Dan’s wingman of the week award’. Solid work Bruce, solid work. It really is getting harder to find quality wingman these days!



Game 2: Chug Monkeys versus Ring Ins (that friendly team that wears black)
Not much to say here really. The opposition fielded an undermanned (or should I say underdanned) team and within minutes the Chug Monkeys took control. The 2nd half was a snoozefest as the lead continue to balloon allowing Chug Monkey Sean to sneak in several naps on court. The Chug Monkeys won by around 50 odd points and then danced a merry jig to celebrate.



Season Record:
22 Wins
16 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

Time is of the essence

This week Chug Monkey Dan show us all he’s more than just a complete player on the beach as he takes the speed dating scene by storm. Below is a quick snap shot of what happened:

Speed Date 1:

Girl 01: So tell me about yourself?

Dan: How Dare you! Chug Monkey Dan needs no introduction!
(Dan proceeds to retrieve his ‘ball of pain’ volleyball from under his chair and ‘Dan slam’ it at Girl 01 from across the table, knocking her unconscious)

Speed Date 2:

Girl 02: So don’t you find this 5 minute speed dating thing all a bit rushed?

Dan: 5 minute dates, not at all. That totally gives me time for foreplay and maybe a cuddle after if I’m feeling generous. Wooooooooooooo!

(Girl 02 glares angrily at Dan)

Dan: Come on that sh*ts funny! Write it down before I forget it. It’s a keeper, it’s a keeper.

(Girl 02 glares angrily at Dan)

(Dan proceeds to again retrieve his ‘ball of pain’ volleyball from under his chair and ‘Dan slam’ it at Girl 02 from across the table, knocking her unconscious)

Speed Date 3:

Girl 03: So on Thursday nights I just love heading to the Alma or the Havlock with my friends Johno, Croftee, Tomo and Scotteee. Yeah they are such great friends, I mean they buy me all the drinks I want and put their hands on my hips when I dance in case in get cold. They say that’s the same reason they wear their polo shirt collars up.

Dan: You f*cking idiot they’re just trying to do you!

Girl 03: No they're just mates. Like I mean they are always looking out for me. Like they’re always saying every other guy I bring along or meet isn’t good enough for me.

(Dan proceeds to again retrieve his ‘ball of pain’ volleyball from under his chair and ‘Dan slam’ it at Girl 03 from across the table, knocking her unconscious)

Dan: But she still gets a tick on my score card.

Speed Date 4:

Girl 04: Hey where are all the other guys tonight?

Dan: I totally got that Fat Chick from court 3 to wait outside and say she was the only Chick to turn up. Its funny I’ve never actually seen smoke coming off a guys sneakers when he runs before. Its most cartoon like. But don’t worry; there’s more Dan than you can chug to go around!


(Girl 04 proceeds to retrieve a brick from under her chair and hurl it at Dan’s head, knocking him semi-unconscious)

Semi Conscious Dan: She initiated physical contact, that means she’s totally hitting on me!

Wingman Bruce: Sorry I’m late Dan, there was a lot of traffic with all those guys fleeing on foot from our friend from court 3.

Semi Conscious Dan: Worst Wingman ever! Give me back that award trophy!

(Dan proceeds to take back the ‘Chug Monkey Dan’s wingman of the week award’ trophy, which shows a quality wingman pretending to be interested in some mediocre looking chick’s conversation while Dan totally chats up her much hotter friend (that’s what quality wingmanship is all about!))


(Dan proceeds to throw the trophy at Wingman Bruce’s head)

(Both proceed to pass out due to the injuries sustained to their heads)

(Project Emma then arrives ‘fashionably late’ and walks into the entrance of the speed dating to see both Chug Monkey Dan and Wing Man Bruce passed out on the floor together)

Project Emma: I didn’t realize it was gay night.

Good Chug Bad Chug

Game Recaps:

This week the Chug Monkeys were conspired against with their game times being changed at the very last minute. However Chug Monkey Dan still had faith that his charges would regain composure and get the job done.

Game 1:

The Danless/Talentless grease monkeys broke Chug Monkey Dan’s heart and his faith in Chug Monkey Kind with a first up loss. Sadly that’s all that needs to be said.

Game 2:

The Grease Monkeys apparently clawed their way back from a 15 point deficit to record a memorable 3 point win 46-43. However my guess is that they made that up so we’d all concentrate on the game 2 result and ignore the game 1 loss. No such luck losers, I’m onto your sh*t!


And finally a big thanks to Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne/bubble headed optimist) for allowing the game time to change without protest. Please send your hate mail to Leanne at: Im_a_f*cking_idiot@moosemail.com

Season Record:
20 Wins
16 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

This week Sean, Gemma and Jase popped into see Chug Monkey Dan whilst he performed house sitting duties for T & L.

Jase: How’s the house sitting going Dan?

Dan: It’s strange, its like something has come over me since I’ve been staying here.

Sean: What do you mean? But anyway, I just thought I’d say sorry about all those unforced errors of mine and me hitting the ball into your head from point blank range and losing the match the other week.

Dan: Hey don’t worry I’m sure thats just part of you showing Chug Monkey spirit. Yay!

Gemma: Dan what the f*cks wrong with you!?! We lost by 50 points and half the opposition were amputees. Aren’t you even mad??

(Dan blatantly ignores all around him and stares blankly at an old episode of dvd)
Dan: Yeah sounds good.

Gemma: Are you even listening you bastard?

(Dan blatantly ignores all around him and stares blankly at an old episode of dvd)

Dan: Yeah sounds good.

Jase: It appears that he seems to be taking on the qualities of Trent and Leanne. Damn this house!

Sean: Weird! Oh and Dan we lost the 2nd game by 30 points and the opposition didn’t even show up.

Dan: Well the important thing is that everyone had fun and I’m sure you’ll all improve! Yay!

Gemma: We didn’t have fun we lost you f*ckhead, what the f*cks wrong with you!?!

Sean: Hey can I have a tissue?

(Sean wipes nose)

Dan: You idiot that was a limited edition 1991 quadruple ply Kleenex in double mint condition. Never before taken out of its original box.

Jase: Well again we apologise for the way we played Dan…Dan?

(Dan lies asleep on rug)
(Gemma kicks him to wake him up)

Dan: Not on my bleach, not on my bleach!

Sean: Hey Chug Monkey Dan’s back!

Gemma: It could just be Trent stealing and poorly imitating Dan’s quality banter

(Group nods in agreement)
(Gemma kicks him even harder this time)

Dan: I can’t believe you losers are happy to show your faces in public after your recent piss poor efforts. Also that stripper’s body was totally lying there before I ever got here!

Gemma: Now Dan’s back

Dan: To the Alma for a pint?

(Noises of car door slamming and tires squealing are heard)

Dan: Fair enough I should probably put some pants on.

Chugging along Nicely

Game Recaps:
With Chug Monkey Dan ailing due to illness, the Chug Monkeys needed something special this week. But as the games unfolded, it became clear that the Chug Monkeys were well and truly up for the challenge.

Game 1: CM’s versus Ringins
For those that don’t remember, the Ringins have a black uniform and are one of the more friendly teams to play. They are also a favouirite of the Chug Monkey’s female players because they posses several buff male players (you perverts!). The Ringins only had 4 players this week, but that didn’t stop the Chug Monkeys from totally kicking their asses. The Chug Monkey’s put on their best serving performance to date and cruised to any easy win.

Approximate final score 40-24 (Chug Monkeys win!)

Game 2: CM’s versus Scrubs

The Scubs are a team white uniformed team that has occasionally troubled the Chug Monkey’s in the past. However this was not such an occasion. The Chug Monkey’s continued their sweet serving and despite the umpire never hearing of the ‘above the shoulder rule’, the Chug Monkeys established an early lead. Then, despite their half time slushies, the Chug Monkeys avoided a 2nd half brain freeze and instead watched the Scrubs capitulate like the scrubs they are (please note they are actually nice people, I’m just maintaining character).

Approximate final score: 52-16 (Chug Monkeys win!)

This week’s performance was most pleasing to the Chug Monkey’s new giant monkey mascot. I’m told it’s called Hugo, however Chug Monkey Dan refers to it as “BFM”, which originates from an opponent saying “that’s a big f*cking monkey!”

Post game, love was in the air as a blackout hit the stadium. Chug Monkey Dan took the opportunity to attempt to get closer to that hot chick from court 4. Sadly in the end it turned out he’d just spent 5 minutes making out with a giant stuffed toy. Score!

In all seriousness, this week’s results came as no surprise due to ‘projects’ Sean, Gemma and Shane continued dedication to improving their games. Perhaps soon they will be granted Chug Monkeyhood, but perhaps not until Chug Monkey Dan receives $50 and a plate of cookies and milk from each of them.

Other things to mention:

This week Chug Monkey Dan took a shot to the teeth and to the eye from friendly fire (not in a gay way). The result was Chug Monkey Dan just kept on playing. This demonstrates that the ball doesn’t really hurt you, so I don’t want to see any more cowering on my beach! And please take note of the sacrifices Chug Monkey Dan is willing to make to prove a point to you pin heads.

In other news, Chug Monkeys Trent and Leanne will be absent from the next 2 Tuesday nights. Therefore Dan will be in charge of scheduling. As he finds you all very average indeed, Chug Monkey Dan is intending to play solo during this period. Unless of course a plate of milk and cookies from each of you persuades him otherwise. But why are Trent and Leanne abandoning their loyal comrades you ask? To visit Dan’s brother (aka Dan lite) in Canberra (aka Hell’s outhouse). I’m sure you’re all as equally as outraged as me upon hearing this, so please send your hate mail to Chug Monkey Moose (Leanne) at:

im_a_bumbling_chucklehead_who_totally_promised_dan_there’d_be_fine_imported_booty_at_seans_bday_even_though_there_was_nothing_of _the_sort@moosemail.com

Season Record:

19 wins
15 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

The Surprise Party

[Please note that Sean’s birthday had a tomato sauce theme – and I apologise in advance for any semi personal jokes. Please also note there was a life size picture of Sean at the party which guest had to attempt to pin a sauce bottle to. There was also a tomato sauce piñata]

With the promise of a free pint and food, Dan headed off to a birthday party which turned out to be Sean’s. This made it the last time Dan would steal an invite from Trent and Leanne’s fridge.

Gemma: Hey everyone its time to unveil (removes sheet), ‘Pin the sauce on the Sean’

(Crowd gasps in horror as someone has drawn a speech bubble on Sean’s picture saying ‘Chug Monkey Dan rules!’)

(Trent begins to applaud before Leanne stops him)

Fat chick from court 3: This is f*cking bull shit!

Gemma: Dan how could you do such a thing?

Dan: Well he refused to wear the corresponding t-shirt

Sean: (looks at picture) I don’t remember saying that

(Gemma hits Sean on the back of the head)

Dan: Not to worry, I’m sure my gift will totally bring this snoozefest to life.

(Sean opens the gift which turns out to be a magic 8 ball)

Sean: Lets see if it works. How will I play this Tuesday night?

(shakes 8 ball)

8 ball: You suck!

Sean: It must be broken!

(shakes it again)

8 ball: No I’m not broken, you’re about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

(Tears begin to swell in Sean’s eyes)

Sean: Be strong old man, be strong.

8 ball: (without being shaken) And seriously, who has a party on a Sunday afternoon? I mean its just freaking lame! And I was told there’d be hot bitches at this thing!

(Sean begins sobbing)
(Gemma smashes the 8 ball)

Gemma: F*ck this! Dan you’ve totally f*cked this party! Get the hell out!

Dan: But I totally brought a date along

Gemma: So that’s why that fat chick from court 3 is here. What’s with that?

Dan: Classic game theory. It will totally drive that hot chick from court 4 crazy with jealousy!

Gemma: You stupid *sshole, she moved up to B-Grade just so she could avoid seeing you!

Dan: So what you’re saying is…she’s totally out of my league so to speak (Dan signals to crowd to laugh) Woooooo!

(Trent begins to applaud before Leanne stops him)

Gemma: P*ss off!

(Dan leaves the party)

Dan: Jokes on them, I totally threw up in the piñata

Remember the Chug Monkeys

Game Recaps:

This week the Danless/Talentless Scrub Monkeys put down their crack pipes and beer bongs for an hour and attempted to imitate a volleyball team.Below is a recap based on the ramblings of project Emma:

Game1:
The Scrub Monkeys completely sucked, but luckily the opposition sucked that little bit more. The Scrub Monkeys proved victorious, with an 18 point win. Good enough I say. Then again, the opposition were apparently so bad that they kicked sand in their own faces (and aren’t you glad I left that joke out of last weeks top 11 list!)

Game 2:

Sadly the opposition had a clue this time and sent the Scrub Monkeys back to their crack den with much to ponder. Apparently Sean helped the team retain some respectability. Sadly though I’ve meant Sean on several occasions and don’t see how that’s possible.Despite the horrendous score line, Emma continued to protest that had more teammates followed her ‘ostrich’ tactics then things may have turned out differently. Correct Emma, they would have banned us from playing ever again.

Just a reminder that Chug Monkey Dan is still waiting for his thank you cards from everyone for the privilege of stepping on his sacred sand. You have 24 hours.

Season Record:

17 wins
15 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys: The Intervention

This week Chug Monkey Dan catches up with his team mates in the most unusual of circumstances.

(Dan enters his front door to see his living room is full of his team mates)

Dan: Whats all this? Why is everyone here?

Trent: Now Dan we want you to know that this is a safe place, a happy place.

Dan: I want answers!

Trent: We thought it was time we got everyone together and staged an intervention for your anger problem.

Dan: Anger problem? That’s F*CKING BULLSH*T! Give me three examples.

Leanne: Well just then when you walked in the room. I heard you mutter under your breath “what is this, a d*ckhead convention?”.

Dan: That’s text book Chug Monkey Dan!

Gemma: And 2nd was that time you slammed the ball at poor Sean below the equator. He was on your team!

(Sean slowly creeps forward in his wheel chair)

Sean: The doctor says I can’t have kids anymore.

Dan: In that case I did you all a favour!

Leanne: And there we have number three.

Dan: In all honesty I think its great that you all came here in my honour, but where’s that hot chick from court 4?

Jace: There’s that little thing called a restraining order!

Dan: I thought the fact I was now forbidden fruit so to speak would have worked in my favour.

Trent: Pin Head! Now the first step to rehabilitation is to admit you have a problem.

Dan: A problem? I’m quite positive I have many more than just one.

Trent: This is good, this is healthy. Please tell us.

Dan: Alright, well I guess my biggest problems…

(Dan pauses due to the intense emotion)

(His team mates gather close ready to embrace Dan in a group hug as it suddenly appears he has a heart and soul after all)

Dan:…my biggest problems are Trent, Leanne, Gemma, Shane, Sean,

(Dan gets cut off)

Trent: You’re unbelievable!

Dan: Thanks, that’s totally how I would describe myself. Are we tapping the keg yet?

(Everyone leaves)

Dan: Trent was right, this is a happy place.

Chug Monkey Business

Game Recaps:

Game 1:

The Chug Monkeys decided to serve up a surprise for Chug Monkey Dan this week. And what I mean quite literally is they served the ball consistently into the net, time and time again. Chug Monkey Dan was left wondering how they were meant to defeat the opposition when a stationary object like the centre net appeared to be their biggest hurdle. However the Chug Monkeys some how managed to build a small lead and maintain it for the entire match. At least no one abused the ref this time.


Game 2:

The Chug Monkeys were up against ‘the horizontal folk dance team’ in game 2. For our readers that don’t remember, this is the team that has a name full of innuendo, but it’s an all male team in what’s meant to be a mixed gender league. Horizontal folk dance built an early lead before they were distracted by thoughts of their post match team shower and dropped their concentration and possibly the soap as well. The Chug Monkeys went on to crush this skid mark of a volleyball team by a comfortable margin. Actually they did have a chick on their team this week, but even she was kind of masculine looking. What do you think about that Fat Chick from Court 3?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Right on! Now for the first time ever, the Chug Monkeys actually have a winning season record!

Season Record:

16 Wins
14 Loses



Inside the Chug Monkeys:

As a McDonalds Drive through attendant turned down Chug Monkey Dan for an interview during his trip for a post match burger, this week we have something different in store. Now I’m sure there is a portion our male readers known as the ‘loser segment’ who will attempt to cut and paste the bit below and claim it as their own in various emails. Just be aware if you do, no matter who’s team you’re on at practice… a volleyball will be coming hard and fast at your head and/or crotch sometime soon. For the rest of you please enjoy…


The Top Eleven Signs Your Indoor Beach Volleyball team Sucks!

11. Standard team formation is a conga line

10. Spiking and scoring only occurs at post match drinks

9. Half the team is just there to work on their tan

8. Only team to record 10 losses, 3 wins and 2 drownings

7. Your best play is to yell "Shark" after you serve

6. Last weeks' opponents doubled your score, but in your defence they were one of the more upmarket retirement villages

5. You're down 20 at halftime but confident you'll score much better in the swimsuit section

4. It's nothing like that Bay Watch fantasy you had pre-season

3. Your Goalie always turns up late

2. Lead the league in games forfitted through Sing Star commitments

1. The most prominent words in your club song: "Baby got back"


(Credit to Neil for 10,9,6,4,3,1)

Chugly

Game Recaps:

With the week off, Chug Monkey Dan waited a patiently by the phone for word on the nights results. What follows is a reenactment of the telephone call he received from Chug Monkey Moose that night (some bits may be slightly dramatized)


Moose: Hey Dan, we lost our first game but everyone showed heaps of Chug Monkey spirit! Wooooo! I’m an overly optimistic bubble head! Wooooooo! And we won the 2nd game. You’re not mad about the team losing are you?

Chug Monkey Dan: Not at all, that’s cool, that’s cool. Goodnight (hangs up phone). YOU F*CKED MY WINNING STREAK YOU B*TCH! YOU B*TCH! YOU B*TCH!

Moose: Ah Dan I can still hear you, your phone didn’t hang up properly.

Chug Monkey Dan: Oh my goodness I sincerely apologi… YOU B*TCH! YOU B*TCH! YOU B*TCH!

Moose: Wooooooo!

Yeah it went something like that.


Season record:

14 wins

14 loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

With no one left by his side, this week Chug Monkey Dan turns to God for answers.


Dan: Hello God, first up I’d just like to say good work on that Jessica Alba!

Chug Monkey God: A’men to that!

Dan: But what the hell were you thinking with Karein Grant??

God: You’re right, I f*cked up!

Dan: Its funny how our readers cant hear what kind of accent you have. But moving on and I suppose I should say thanks.

God: What for?

Dan: I’m always told on my beach that I have ‘God given talent’.

God: You should hear what they say when you’re not around.

Dan: I’m sure it’s safe to assume its all good. So since I managed to get this interview, I think I should take the time to ask you a question that has baffled mankind for ages.

God: The meaning of life?

Dan: God no! What I’m talking about is the time I was just about to talk to that hot chick from court 4 and just as she turned to face me a bird crapped on me. It’s an indoor arena, how is that even possible??

God: When channel 7 puts scrubs and Family guy on at such late timeslots that I need to find someway to amuse myself before hand.

Dan: That’s ok, I was on the verge a panic induced vomiting attack anyway. Next up, I have another serious question.

God: Lets hope so.

Dan: So when I don’t get Christmas presents should I blame you, my parents or Santa?

God: You pinhead! It’s meant to be a time of giving.

Dan: In other words you’re all equally to blame.

God: Are we done here, I do have that Middle East situation to deal with.

Dan: Alright just a couple more things to wrap things up. Back to a previous topic I just wanted to say thanks for getting Karein Grant off national TV.

God: No need to thank me, she sucks all by herself.

Dan: And finally, when do you think the Chug Monkeys will be holding the premiership cup aloft?

God: God only knows, Chug-a-lug!

Dan: Not funny!

Remember readers every time the Chug Monkeys are defeated, God kills a kitten. So maybe think about that next time you dont feel like diving for the ball you heartless monsters!

Chugtastic!

Game Recaps:

The Chug monkeys continued their recent fine form with a game 1 victory. However the real fireworks occurred in game 2, where an opposition player who came to be known as ‘that fat chick from court 3’ stole the spot light.


In game 2 the Chug Monkeys burst out of the blocks with 7-0 start. That was before we lost 16 straight points and panic was about to grip Team Chug Monkey. However a barrage of text book Chug Monkey Dan death threats light a fire under his team mate’s asses, and a comeback began. However a certain chubby bogan from across the net was less than impressed when the Chug Monkeys won back the lead. ‘That fat chick from court 3’ soon began to argue and then abuse the referee. The Chug monkeys pulled up a chair and enjoyed the show, whilst kicking fatty’s ass Chug Monkey style on the scoreboard. Even though the Chug Monkeys eventually ran out easy winners, ‘that fat chick from court 3’ continued to argue with the umpire after the match before waddling over to complain to centre management. The lesson here is clearly that if she had directed her abuse at your teammates as a certain Chug Monkey Dan did, then maybe the losing margin would have been as tight the elastic on her shorts and not as wide as her rather large rump. Double victory for the Chug Monkeys, and a double chin for ‘That fat chick from court 3!


Season Record:

13 Wins
13 Loses

Inside the Chug Monkeys:

Out of options and out of time, this week Chug Monkey Dan had no option but to interview the one person who couldn’t seem to keep their mouth shut on his beach this week.

Dan: Well this is awkward, what do you have to say for yourself after Tuesday nights display?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: Sorry you voice was muffled by that chicken wing on the side of your mouth. What was that?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: So tell us about the Fat Chick from Court 3 off the court?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: Are you capable of saying anything else?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: I see. Lets try and find some common ground here. What would you say about if Leanne asked you to describe her efforts last week?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: Couldn’t agree more! And how would you describe Sean’s recent form in one sentence?

That Fat Chick from Court 3: This is F*cking Bull shit!

Dan: Bingo! Wow this interview writes itself. Ok I have one last question for yo……

(That Fat Chick from Court 3 begins chasing an ambulance after confusing the siren with the Mr Whippy music)

Dan: This is F*cking Bull shit!


Thanks for reading and please direct any complaints to That Fat Chick from Court 3’s email address: i_am_a_annoying_loud_bogan@hotmail.com